So, I am absolutely beyond embarrassed I wrote the preceding entry. But I am going to leave it there. Which is going to invite judgment, but I think that it’s important, partly because I was so immensely depressed about everything a month ago, and I am in a completely different mood today. The person who wrote those things seems distant, even though I’ve felt this way a lot over the years. Very defeatist about everything.

I wanted this blog to function as a comfort for anyone who might find this who is trying to be an artist and who thinks they’ll never make it, or who suffers from depression as I have, consistent and constant. And I want to clarify that the depression should not be connected with the prospects of achieving personal dreams. It’s been this companion with me for many years and I’ve only been able to relatively recently define exactly what I’ve been feeling and experiencing and being able to label it appropriately for what it is. Sometimes it’s hard to properly identify something when you’re in the middle of it (and it’s invisible, though you can still feel it).

Tasks

Figure out the ending of the short.

Figure out the rock band script some more.

Explore Canvas.

Organize more of your travel footage for editing.

Listening to the SIRĀT soundtrack; I think it’s kind of a masterpiece.

I’m at a point in life where I’ve had to make some awfully big decisions. And I’ve come to realize that I’m tired of making these decisions. Isn’t that weird? When you’re younger, I feel like I yearned to enact that agency and be able to meaningfully chart the course of my life, and now all I want to do is settle down for a minute and let the biggest thing I decide for the foreseeable future be what to eat for lunch that day.

Maybe I should talk about those tasks I mentioned last time. I definitely didn’t finish them all right away — I actually only finished reading the JSTOR article a couple of days ago. But the thing is that I finished it. I’ve only realized, again so recently and way too prolonged in whatever artistic journey I’ve been on, that the secret to artistic productivity isn’t spur-of-the-moment brilliance or ruthless efficiency, but showing up and just sort of letting the process work itself out in whatever time that you have.

Of course, you have to have the time to begin with.